life is not a neat little package

A lot, a lot, a lot has been happening in my life.  I can't even share all of it on here.  Today I've been on the computer for hours. My way to escape.  

Here's a list of some of the different things that have happened.

• My first cousin Nathan Holscher died on Jan. 23rd. He was 18
• I turned 29 on the 26th
• I didn't have much of a birthday... yet
• practically snowed in, near my job on my birthday
• Drove up to Mass. with my brother to the funeral Friday. Drove back Monday.
• Saw my Aunt Heidi, who I haven't seen for years!
• had another family "surprise" when I got home
• my mom's been sick
• my client has some worrisome issues

It's a neat little list here. But inside it's not so neat.  Life has been DIFFICULT.  Draining. Scary.  Hard.  Maybe you can see it in my face in some of my pics.  Do I look a little hard, serious or sad?  Sometime I may write more about my cousin's passing.  It's not a neat little package.  It's soo very poignant when someone's life ends. Especially if it prematurely ends.  It is devastating. To his mother. To his father. To his brothers and extended family.  To his friends.  They were effected so deeply. Their grief is so fierce.  

Then in my own personal world at home. Life has been DIFFICULT.  Draining.  

I still have more processing to do with Nathan's death.  I feel a bit mad at God.  God also isn't in a neat little package. Maybe my processing with God will lead to an emotional release. So right now I think I'll keep him at arms length.  To come in contact with what's going on in my heart is something I do avoid sometimes.  

Then in my work. My "old lady" is in the last stages of her life.  I've had some incidences with her that have been scary, difficult and yes, draining.  

A lot of BAD things have been happening. I can list something and say, "That's bad." But there's so much good intertwined.  God has given us breath and life and the ability to love.  Life really sucks sometimes. But then I feel God and his love. I feel hope. I know faith.  

There's been soo many people praying for our family at this time. Maybe the most amount of people that have ever prayed for our family (at least in a long time.) The other time may have been when my Uncle Dana was killed when he was 19. (But they didn't have Facebook back then. I think this is the most people that have been praying for our family at one time.)

This weekend was actually one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. It was very special at times.  Spending quality time with family.  Reaching out with God's love to one of Nathan's best friends.  Celebrating Nathan's life.  

The support I got from family while up in New England about what's going on with my family in VA was great.  This weekend even though shadowed with scary emotions and pain was peaceful.  

I know that I won't live here on the earth forever. I like living with that illusion.  But it's only an illusion.  There is more than this.  But right now I am in "this."  I am only human.  There are times I will "waste" time.  But I want to stop being in "idle." I want to pursue life more.  That's one thing that I've learned through this tragedy.

At times in life you can't neatly draw a line and say that side is black and that side is white. Because there are so many different shades and colors to life.  The deep deep red of pain, but it's mixed with the deep deep red of love. It hurts so much because we love so much.  The honeyed tones of family that turns into a chocolate brown of contentedly watching another family member at peace and content. The bright bouncing colors of laughter, as we remember some of the crazy things Nathan would do.  The deep blues of tears and the release it brings, yet cold in it's loneliness.  The evergreen of HOPE, of eternity, of LIFE! We know where Nathan is.  He is ALIVE and very very well.  (I wore bright green for the memorial service. His mom complimented me on the color of my dress.She said something like this, "I like Evergreen. It means eternal life")