life is not a neat little package

A lot, a lot, a lot has been happening in my life.  I can't even share all of it on here.  Today I've been on the computer for hours. My way to escape.  

Here's a list of some of the different things that have happened.

• My first cousin Nathan Holscher died on Jan. 23rd. He was 18
• I turned 29 on the 26th
• I didn't have much of a birthday... yet
• practically snowed in, near my job on my birthday
• Drove up to Mass. with my brother to the funeral Friday. Drove back Monday.
• Saw my Aunt Heidi, who I haven't seen for years!
• had another family "surprise" when I got home
• my mom's been sick
• my client has some worrisome issues

It's a neat little list here. But inside it's not so neat.  Life has been DIFFICULT.  Draining. Scary.  Hard.  Maybe you can see it in my face in some of my pics.  Do I look a little hard, serious or sad?  Sometime I may write more about my cousin's passing.  It's not a neat little package.  It's soo very poignant when someone's life ends. Especially if it prematurely ends.  It is devastating. To his mother. To his father. To his brothers and extended family.  To his friends.  They were effected so deeply. Their grief is so fierce.  

Then in my own personal world at home. Life has been DIFFICULT.  Draining.  

I still have more processing to do with Nathan's death.  I feel a bit mad at God.  God also isn't in a neat little package. Maybe my processing with God will lead to an emotional release. So right now I think I'll keep him at arms length.  To come in contact with what's going on in my heart is something I do avoid sometimes.  

Then in my work. My "old lady" is in the last stages of her life.  I've had some incidences with her that have been scary, difficult and yes, draining.  

A lot of BAD things have been happening. I can list something and say, "That's bad." But there's so much good intertwined.  God has given us breath and life and the ability to love.  Life really sucks sometimes. But then I feel God and his love. I feel hope. I know faith.  

There's been soo many people praying for our family at this time. Maybe the most amount of people that have ever prayed for our family (at least in a long time.) The other time may have been when my Uncle Dana was killed when he was 19. (But they didn't have Facebook back then. I think this is the most people that have been praying for our family at one time.)

This weekend was actually one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. It was very special at times.  Spending quality time with family.  Reaching out with God's love to one of Nathan's best friends.  Celebrating Nathan's life.  

The support I got from family while up in New England about what's going on with my family in VA was great.  This weekend even though shadowed with scary emotions and pain was peaceful.  

I know that I won't live here on the earth forever. I like living with that illusion.  But it's only an illusion.  There is more than this.  But right now I am in "this."  I am only human.  There are times I will "waste" time.  But I want to stop being in "idle." I want to pursue life more.  That's one thing that I've learned through this tragedy.

At times in life you can't neatly draw a line and say that side is black and that side is white. Because there are so many different shades and colors to life.  The deep deep red of pain, but it's mixed with the deep deep red of love. It hurts so much because we love so much.  The honeyed tones of family that turns into a chocolate brown of contentedly watching another family member at peace and content. The bright bouncing colors of laughter, as we remember some of the crazy things Nathan would do.  The deep blues of tears and the release it brings, yet cold in it's loneliness.  The evergreen of HOPE, of eternity, of LIFE! We know where Nathan is.  He is ALIVE and very very well.  (I wore bright green for the memorial service. His mom complimented me on the color of my dress.She said something like this, "I like Evergreen. It means eternal life")

the green eyed girl

I wore this yesterday to the young adults Bible study. Every week that we go the family that hosts it cooks dinner.  Last night was breakfast for dinner, and boy was it good!  It was one of my favorite meals they've cooked so far.  We had grits and shrimp (my first time ever!), biscuits and gravy and some sort of French toast bread pudding with blueberries.  Some good eatin'!

 I think certain colors work on me better than others. I really like coral, in many different shades and I like green and sage green. I haven't been so sure about this sweater, thinking maybe to get rid of. But I've rediscovered it and I do like it.  I wore it in my first post,  (which wasn't my favorite look.)  I've really been getting into the fashion world more lately.  Looking at fashion blogs a lot. Doing my own fashion blogging. I even read a lot of Tim Gunn's book "A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style" .  

I want to be more deliberate about getting nicer pieces.  I do a lot of thrifting but that can give me many things instead of fewer nice things.  Don't worry I'm not going to give thrifting up completely.  I've gotten some nice shoes and boots thrifting.  

Big news!  I am going to Texas. My parents paid for a last minute ticket for me to go. My sister needs someone to ride with her as she drives her home from school in Texas. She graduates the 10th. Since my mom has some physical issues it's better for me to be on a road trip for 2 days instead of my parents.  So I get to see my baby sister (7 years younger than me) graduate from Bible School! I'm happy I get to go. Thanks God :) Yeah!  Ohhh I get to see my nephews, my brother and my sister in law.  

I had fun editing the pics and making some of the pictures more Artsy Fartsy!  Ohh and I added my two "funnies" of me (truly singing) and then pretending to play the piano.  I can play but I don't much.

J. Jill army green corduroys:  thrifted in Michigan

Ann Taylor coral long sleeved shirt: Gabriel Brothers

Ann Taylor lime green sweater: thrifted

Brazilian leather booties: $1 thrifted

vintage necklaces: Grammie

pearl bracelet: reused vintage beads handmade by me

rough cute emerald ring: $13 Thai/Burma border

fresh water pearl earrings: made by me for a friends wedding

the princess and the pea

leather boots: vintage? thrifted
leggings: ?
dress: old navy summer dress
sweater: free
snakeskin belt: thrifted
scarf: walmart $5
necklaces: (probably vintage) 2 chains & pendant 
from Grammie, one pendant thrifted
brooch on headband: vintage Grammie

I added these pics for humor's sake. I think the one on the left, I look like I'm growing out of the woodpile.  It cracks me up! It's like a bad fairy tale. Like babies growing in a cabbage patch? maybe.  The one on the right was when I was trying to stand on the wood pile in boots that don't have much traction.  

I think this was one of my favorite outfits and photo shoots.  Me use the term "Photo shoot"? I know I'm not a model, so what should I call it?? It was rather cold outside while taking pics.  I'm totally layered today so that kept me warmer.  This outfit is really comfy too!  

I went into town because my dad did a show.  I have a confession to make. (Some of you already know.) My dad is an (drum roll please)....... ELVIS IMPERSONATOR! For real. No joke, no I'm not pulling your leg. And I didn't write gullible on the ceiling.  Yup my dad is Elvis! (OK he pretends to be Elvis.)  He actually kinda looks like him. We were recently watching Blue Hawaii and they had a shot of Elvis at the end kinda blurryish and for a second I could have pretended he was my dad, he looked like him. Or should I saw my dad looked like Elvis.  

My dad sang for his dinner (well, not quite) at a nursing home in town. I drove in with my mom. We got FREE dinner. It was yummy.  It was kinda funny because the young people waiting on us kept on forgetting to give us things. Like my mom and I got decaf coffee.  I had to ask for creamer and a stirrer.  We got our dinner, without silverware and napkins.  When they brought us the plates and forgot silver ware my mom and I looked at each other and laughed (after they had left the table).  We weren't upset but it was funny because they kept not giving us things. So I asked for the silverware and napkins, and water.  

I asked God if I could help someone tonight.  I went to the Library to hang out. (Got a ton of books, some on fashion, one on antique buttons, even some on dating, and an Elizabeth Goudge novel.)  I was walking out with a lady. Held the door open for her.  I walked to my car. She kept walking. I wondered in my car if maybe this was the answer to prayer I had prayed. So I drove out the driveway. I turned left, she was on the sidewalk. I stopped (no one was coming in either direction), and asked if she wanted a ride home. She got in.  I took her home. It was a ways from the library.  

Her name is Victoria. She doesn't have a job. She visits her mom in town. She likes town because it has things to do.  I think that night some men in a truck offered her a ride. I don't know if she rode with them. I'm glad I was able to give her a lift home.  It's a cold night too. I don't think Miss Victoria is totally right in her mind and she was soo trusting.  

I was a bit nervous as I was considering doing it and was nervous while doing it. I didn't know if she lived in a rough home. Was I putting myself in danger? But God kept me. I was fine. Believe me, I don't make a habit of picking up strangers, but I really like helping people.  I felt OK about this time.  If any young ladies are reading this, please be super careful about doing what I just did.   BE WISE.  It felt rather good to do it.  It was an answer to prayer.  I almost didn't stop. I'm glad I did since it was quite a ways for her to have had to walk at night.

So I named my blog. Anyone have any other suggestions for names?  I think my name is OK. But if there's any better names that'd be great!