...a letter to my mom

Dear Mom,

Today is mother’s day.  I am 3 plus hours away.  I do not get to see you today.  But that doesn't mean I’m not thinking about you.  I think about you and my heart hurts a bit.  You mean a lot to me. 

The day God decided to place me in your womb that’s when you became my mother.  That was over 31 years ago.  I know it wasn't easy for you having one baby after the next. (being as I was baby number three.)  I know you and Dad didn't have a lot.  You and dad decided to have me in a trailer. It’s such a great story! 

You told me recently that you had the verse “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” as your verse when you were giving birth to me.  That’s such a great verse for me too.  The verse that brought me into the world is the verse the can get me through this life. 

I was the first girl! You and Dad were so excited!  You were your mother’s first girl and I was your first girl.  In many ways I am like you.  I think you’ve passed some of your weaknesses like stubbornness and being too conscientious on to me ;) but also your strengths like stubbornness (hehe) and being a prayer warrior on to me.  I’ve been told that I’m a lot like you.  You are a strong woman mom, a strong woman of God and a strong family woman.

I know for years I've struggled with my relationship with you.  I know you and Dad did your best in raising us, your kids.  I know you've been sorry for ways where I was hurt growing up.  Your regret and even tears over that is pretty special.  Many parents aren't soft and open like that.  Thank you for wishing that you’d loved me more.  I know in some ways you've tried to make it up to me.  Thank you for that. I remember those moments, those moments of deliberately doing something to show me that you love me.  Like little gifts just to show me that you love me. 

Last year in January you were diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.  Boy did that suck! I had just started orientation in college.  I was under it emotionally and a little depressed. I was under a cloud.  I was passive and stuck in my attitude toward the diagnoses. It was hard to deal with having my mom diagnosed with cancer.  I was afraid of that diagnoses.  A friend said something about it that made me mad but it kicked me in the butt emotionally to get some of my fight back.

 

Your faith and your fight through the diagnoses is awesome to see.  You are dealing with such a serious medical problem but you still take time and energy for your kids and your husband.  So many times I’ve called you for a listening ear and encouragement about my personal issues (and you’re the one fighting cancer, not me).  Cancer doesn't take away the fact that you are still one of my number one go to people, that you are still my mom.  You understand my weaknesses, you don’t judge me for them and you have ministered to me many many times.  You have spoken verses to me with conviction and strength and also prayed so many times for me.

Having you diagnosed with cancer has made you feel more valuable to me.  Sometimes I think about you and I know in that moment what you are dealing with and it makes me feel like crying.  You are a beautiful person. Physically you have a lovely face.  Your inner person is one of spiritual steel but also gentle in love toward me.

Thank you for your love over the years. Thank you for your faithfulness to your family and to Dad and to your faith.  Even though we have definitely bumped heads, and we are very different in many ways, and very similar in others, I want to be like you in your faithfulness and and love for your family. I want to also be strong in faith like you.  You are tenacious in your faith in speaking positive while fighting this battle.  I tell many people that I don’t worry much about you because of the way you and dad are dealing with it.  That is a tribute to the strength and faith you have in God and the way you are handling it as individuals.

 

I love you a lot mom.  I know I haven’t always shown it but I do.  You mean a lot to me.  You are special to me and I’m thankful for the strength you are to me!

Your oldest girl,

Marie Angeline

life is not a neat little package

A lot, a lot, a lot has been happening in my life.  I can't even share all of it on here.  Today I've been on the computer for hours. My way to escape.  

Here's a list of some of the different things that have happened.

• My first cousin Nathan Holscher died on Jan. 23rd. He was 18
• I turned 29 on the 26th
• I didn't have much of a birthday... yet
• practically snowed in, near my job on my birthday
• Drove up to Mass. with my brother to the funeral Friday. Drove back Monday.
• Saw my Aunt Heidi, who I haven't seen for years!
• had another family "surprise" when I got home
• my mom's been sick
• my client has some worrisome issues

It's a neat little list here. But inside it's not so neat.  Life has been DIFFICULT.  Draining. Scary.  Hard.  Maybe you can see it in my face in some of my pics.  Do I look a little hard, serious or sad?  Sometime I may write more about my cousin's passing.  It's not a neat little package.  It's soo very poignant when someone's life ends. Especially if it prematurely ends.  It is devastating. To his mother. To his father. To his brothers and extended family.  To his friends.  They were effected so deeply. Their grief is so fierce.  

Then in my own personal world at home. Life has been DIFFICULT.  Draining.  

I still have more processing to do with Nathan's death.  I feel a bit mad at God.  God also isn't in a neat little package. Maybe my processing with God will lead to an emotional release. So right now I think I'll keep him at arms length.  To come in contact with what's going on in my heart is something I do avoid sometimes.  

Then in my work. My "old lady" is in the last stages of her life.  I've had some incidences with her that have been scary, difficult and yes, draining.  

A lot of BAD things have been happening. I can list something and say, "That's bad." But there's so much good intertwined.  God has given us breath and life and the ability to love.  Life really sucks sometimes. But then I feel God and his love. I feel hope. I know faith.  

There's been soo many people praying for our family at this time. Maybe the most amount of people that have ever prayed for our family (at least in a long time.) The other time may have been when my Uncle Dana was killed when he was 19. (But they didn't have Facebook back then. I think this is the most people that have been praying for our family at one time.)

This weekend was actually one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. It was very special at times.  Spending quality time with family.  Reaching out with God's love to one of Nathan's best friends.  Celebrating Nathan's life.  

The support I got from family while up in New England about what's going on with my family in VA was great.  This weekend even though shadowed with scary emotions and pain was peaceful.  

I know that I won't live here on the earth forever. I like living with that illusion.  But it's only an illusion.  There is more than this.  But right now I am in "this."  I am only human.  There are times I will "waste" time.  But I want to stop being in "idle." I want to pursue life more.  That's one thing that I've learned through this tragedy.

At times in life you can't neatly draw a line and say that side is black and that side is white. Because there are so many different shades and colors to life.  The deep deep red of pain, but it's mixed with the deep deep red of love. It hurts so much because we love so much.  The honeyed tones of family that turns into a chocolate brown of contentedly watching another family member at peace and content. The bright bouncing colors of laughter, as we remember some of the crazy things Nathan would do.  The deep blues of tears and the release it brings, yet cold in it's loneliness.  The evergreen of HOPE, of eternity, of LIFE! We know where Nathan is.  He is ALIVE and very very well.  (I wore bright green for the memorial service. His mom complimented me on the color of my dress.She said something like this, "I like Evergreen. It means eternal life")