Hmmm, how do I start. What do I start with?
I've subbed the last two days for the same teacher, high school English. It was fine. Enjoyed it some. Today in a coupla of the classes the story, "The Lottory" was read. In the last period we read it outloud. The ending's kinda surprising. Check it out. It's a short story. And it's pretty interesting.
This last weekend a tenth grader from the high school committed suicide. When I was asking some kids about it at first I was thinking it was a kid that I had tutored in room 37 awhile back. Room 37 is a type of special ed room. Special ed kids go there and others that need extra help. This kid I was thinking about was really big, bigger than me. To put him in a streotype he was a red neck. Blonde, very ruddy complexion. Big work boots. Jeans and a t-shirt. But I was impressed with this kid. I don't remember what his name was... anyways he didn't like it becuase another boy was bad mouthing a teacher. And this big guy didn't believe that kids should treat adults that way. That adults should be treated with respect. That blessed my heart and still does.
So when I was thinking that this big guy was the one that committed suicide I was effected. I worked with him one on one for awhile. We were the only ones in the room. And so looking back I was thinking about if I'd only said something about Jesus.... wondering if anything I said effected him toward God more.... and how maybe that time wasn't the most appropriate time to actually talk to him about Jesus. And how this kid was dead.... I was thinking about when I could possible cry after work. It upset me. It was like wow!
I only had one contact with this big lovely guy, and I thought he was gone. It effected me.
But come to find out the guy that killed himself and the guy I helped weren't the same guy. Phew...Part of me has wanted to see the guy I helped, to know for sure. The kid that took his own life I guess was smart, didn't seem like the type that had a reason to do that. He was big like the kid I worked with.
It's kinda a weird thought process to look back at an experience like that with someone you think is gone. To know you were that close and if you'd only known that he would take his life, that maybe you would've said some thing.
For the big ruddy kid still living, it would make for a good way to start talking to him about God... "Man, when I found out about that guy that killed himself, I thought he was you. It upset me. I was thinking about you going into eternity. I didn't know if you would be ready to die... I just want you to know that God loves you...." If I got a chance to talk to him I'm not sure what I'd say. It would be great to have a chance to talk to him. You could pray that I get that chance if you want... If I do that GOd will work out the details, because at school I have certain restrictions as a teacher, that makes it so I'm not allowed to talk about certaint things without the kids specifically bringing it up.
Man. When you think you know someone that took their own life it effects you... you NEVER know when someone will do that. And to think maybe you were in their life somehow, if only you had said something about God....it's enough to get you really serious, even scared... this life is really serious and the next one is so much MORE of a BIG deal. But just living regular day to day dulls the reality of that. I'd say I have alot of fear about talking to these kids about Jesus.... but if it came up in a conversation and just fit, that's how it'd be nice to talk to them about God and Jesus. When it happens naturally.
Our choices here aren't just little things that don't matter, sometimes what we choose is the difference between spiritual life and death for ourselves and others...
hmmm, such a serious subject... but this is what really matters.