One Step at a Time

So I have lived in Richmond since the end of January. Kinda feel like I've been here forever :) (I don't mean in a bad way.)

Alot has happened since my last update. My Certified Nursing Class finally started March 9th about a full month later than it was suppose to. They postponed it 2 or 3 times!! FINALLY they started it. I have an excellent instructor Vivian. She has 2 sets of initials after her name for all the education she's gotten with nursing. She's 2 years behind a doctor with all the education she has. She's great! Definately called to being a nurse. In the 70's she actually contracted HPV through blood, they didnt' wear gloves back then because they thought they were too expensive! She was sick for 15 months and was actually dying from it. One night she told God If it was His will to save her, she wanted to help alot of people. The next day instead of getting worse like she had the previous days she stayed the same. From then on out she started getting better and better until she was complety well! Yup she's found her destiny.

I did very well on the "book larnin' " part of it. I didn't really understand what an acclerated class meant until I took one. It means you have VERY LONG classes a few days a week for a few weeks. My classes were from 8am-2pm , with a few breaks.... that's one class for over 5 hours a day, for 3 days a week. Can you imagine? A FIVE HOUR CLASS with 2 quizzes each class. For homework we had to read 2 chapters a night. It's like drinking from a fire hydrant.

I have officially completed 5 of my clinical days. The first day of clinicals was kinda crazy, think first day of a job. Where everything is new and you don't know where anything is and what the heck is suppose to happen. Day two was better but I still didn't get a lot of hands on training. I think day three was better because I had my "own" resident but ended up gettin' alot of help with her... but got ALOT more hands on experience.

I found out from the charge nurse or her CNA that she's thirsty alot because she has CHF :( Congestive heart failure. Where your body retains liquid and liquid backs up into the heart from the lungs... and they end up often with edema... alot of swelling. Her legs and ankles are very swollen. She's such a sweet heart. Loves her jewelery and even wears a black feather boa at times ;) She was apologizing for being a bother a number of times the first day.

We gave her a tub bath and she really enjoyed it... she was swishing her legs in it and saying that it felt good. :) As patients deal with Dementia and as a CNA student it can be hard to care for the patient. At one point when we were caring for her we needed a total of 3 students to hold her up. I think "bilaterally" she was getting tired/weak. I think her CNA would have been able to possibly deal with her by herself ;) instead of needing the help of 2 others. But we're learning.... That comes with time.

My first day with the jewelery lady I got to a point (I wasn't very far along) and I didn't know what to do. I was stuck, I was standing there not knowing what to do next, "What do I do, what do I do?!!"... I was like God help me! And the next thing I know one of the other students walked in and asked if I needed any help. She had taken care of my lady for a few days the first week. Oh that was such an answer to prayer!

My clinicals end April 28th. On the last day we have a little celebration. We also bring in our money to send in all together to the state boards to cover the cost of the certification exam. The exam is 70 multiple choice questions and 5 skills that we have to perform. We only have 25 mins. to perform the skills. One very lengthy skill which we might end up with is making an occupied bed. Fun... hope I don't get that skill!!!

At this point I'm planning on staying at YWAM for an extra month at least. It might be another 5 weeks before we can take the state board exam.

The 2nd day of clinicals I was told by the DON (Director of Nursing) to stop by once I'm certified and to fill out an application. That was at the catholic nursing home that I'm doing my clinicals at. It's one of the better nursing homes. The ratio of CNA's to residents is 1 to 5 or 6. Usually at nursing homes the ratio can be 1 to 12 or even 1 to 15!! I've heard that they can be rather smelly and really bad :/ I hope to get started in the nursing field Lord willing at this nursing home. Once I get a job I will need a place to live in Richmond. I can only live at YWAM if I'm volunteering full time.

Once I have a job I won't be able to volunteer 40 hours a week. So I've started looking a bit for a place to live in Richmond. I'd love to stay near the YWAM base but am willing to move a ways away from it. If anyone has any ideas let me know. I'm moving closer to another transition point. I seem to be in transition often. I guess at this point in my life it's normal.

A time line of all the transition I've had since last year.... 2009, beginning of the year, 3 months in Berryville own apt., moved home for about 1 month... 5 months in Michigan, moved home end of Oct. Home for about 3 months than here at YWAM since end of January. I am asking God to lead me. To show me even what to pursue... where do I find housing? should I be considering an entirely different step?

I know YWAM has a school of primary health that would probably be more focused on international medical care. I know God's got my back and He has led me time and time again. I know He will do it again. But it's still not easy as I am in the process of transitioning.

Some of my dreaming/thinking about nursing is that I will one day go overseas and and use it. I would like to do medical missionary work. Maybe someday even go to one of Mother Theresa's home for a time to learn from them. I do not know how God will lead me. He's a man with a plan, I know:) One step at a time. That's what it always is for me. One step.... one step.

my next "move"

A few new things from my etsy shop! Other than the hair bows these items are a bit bohemian aren't they. The necklace is called "the gypsy's keys."

I sold alot of items for christmas! That was fun and a big blessing. Sold a number of hats. I still have a number of hats in my shop. Recently I tallied up all the items I'd sold and the item that has sold the most in my shop is earrings at 26 pairs, than t-shirts at 12 shirts. The least amount I sold of a certain item is my vintage. I have alot of vintage in my closet that I need to photograph.

Etsy takes alot of time. But it gives me something to do during christmas break. I have break for about 2 weeks because the schools do. I'm a substitute teacher right now.

Often I'm very verbal about my next plan. This time I haven't been. Some people know my plans though. It's a bit hard because everything isn't all figured out. But that's normal for me... plans take shape sometimes for me last minute... which is ok with me. I'm moving in faith. I feel like I'm blind moving forward.

My next "move" is moving to Richmond. I am all signed up for a CNA course. It is a 6 week course. I just have to find a place to live. I have a few leads. But I need to keep looking and pray. I believe God will help me find a place. It's hard though when I don't know what will happen. My course starts at the beginning of Feb. I have my place reserved in the class. God provided in a special way for my tuition. And for some extras. I already have my scrubs bought. I need to go out and find white sneakers/nurse shoes and a watch with a second hand.

Soo yes it's true I will be trained as a CNA. My "vague" dream is to go on with more training in the nursing field and some day be a PA. But time will tell. Maybe someday I will go with CFI and do nursing; medicine in the jungles of Burma. I could even teach the backpack medics how to take care of people. This is nothing that is certain but daydreams... things that may happen someday.

I know being a CNA is the "grunt work" for nursing. I think it will be good to learn though if the Lord does lead me to overseas work at some point than I'll know how to bath someone, know how to move a bed ridden person. It will be work that I can do anywhere too. And it will be a ministry to people. Just basics that are soo benificial to know. I'm excited.

So what I need to find is a place to live in Richmond from at least the beginning of Feb. and the month of March, for 6 weeks. I'd love to move down there for awhile. To live in Richmond after the training. I need an affordable place to live. I'm hoping to find a job at first outside of the CNA. The classes are Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesday from 8:00-1:30. I have alot of time where I could have a job. After a couple of weeks we have clinicals on Saturdays.

If anyone knows of a place I can rent at an affordable price in Richmond let me know. If someone needs a roommate or an older lady needs someone to live with her, etc.

And if anyone knows of any job leads. I've taught. I'm good with kids. I've had 2 nanny jobs... I've worked at a gourmet shop, Panera, I've substitute taught for over 1 1/2 years. I'm also good with internationals...

I lived in Richmond in 2003 while I was a student with Youth With a Missions Dicipleship Training School for 3 months. I like Richmond and I know people there so that will help!

I'm excited about this new venture! Pray for me that God will guide me as I look for the doors to go through. He's already opened a HUGE door by providing for the schooling and securing a spot for me in the course happening in Feb.

Handmade flowers...my new fetish

So recently I have been making handmade flowers!!! I love how they came out! I have one added to my hat called, "Le Fluer" and the blue flower is called, "The Daphne Rose." The red flower is called "The Spanish Rose." They are all handmade. I processed the edges of all the petals and hand sewed the flowers together. The centers are either buttons or beads sewn in. Each "hair flower" is glued to a button than glued to a hair pin.

A great gift for a woman in your life that likes feminine and unique pieces!! (oh that might be you!!!)

Add a little plaid

Soo I found this "Leslie Kay Sportswear" vest the other day. It was kinda crazy because when I shopped at where I shop for my vintage finds I ended up buying all blue items. It was crazy!

I got a blue long wool (VINTAGE) Herman Kay coat, a pair of crazy cobalt blue swede boots, blue heels and this blue vest:) My "blue day..." I look good in cobalt blue;) I do like the shock of blue that some of these pieces bring.

I've admired blue glass for years. The vibrancy and aliveness of this color. It's very rich.

So I named this vest, "add a little plaid"... and I have it paired with my "million hearts" women's blouse.

I picked up from lookin' at a blog on vintage stlye to match 2 different patterns together. The way to do it is to have one pattern "quieter" than the other pattern. With the "million hearts" blouse it picks up on the red in the vest with the tiny understated bright red hearts.

I've also been checking out this one store, "Mod Cloth" click on the link: http://www.modcloth.com/store

It's super cool! And the clothes are either vintage or vintage feel by new designers. Someday I may splurge and buy something from that shop.

(this is some of my late night ramblings to the empty void of virtual land.... I'm home alone tonight and kinda lonely, but excited about fashion, and vintage and my etsy shop etc...)

These are a pair of boots I want to buy sometime. I saw them on a girl at the local Maurices and I told her, "this is kinda random but I love your boots, where did you get them?" And she said they were from right there. They were Maurice boots. Soo when I have some money saved up, or for christmas I want to get these boots! You'll haveta click on the link to see 'em... and I like 'em in "cognac!!" http://www.maurices.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3754529

This is definately late night ramblings...it's 2:34am... I don't stay up this late often. But everyone from the "fam" is gone tonight. I'm loving my alone time...

Some thoughts for you. Do not try to manipulate your life, or control it... trust God with it...with every step. If he seems to "take" something from you view it through the eyes of eternity, or the bigger picture. There are times where he may keep you from a relationship/ or remove you from a relationship because HE knows that person is not good for you or His best. (I learned that from Corrie Ten Boom in her book "Tramp for the Lord" (buy it here: http://product.half.ebay.com/Tramp-for-the-Lord_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ269256) Of course this doesn't apply across the board to everything. For example divorce. I believe once you are married it is God's will for you to stay with that person, etc...

We get hurt and disappointed when God removes things from our lives, especially relationships. Relize everything God does is with a touch of love. He allows things to happen, the good and the bad... realize He will work ALL THINGS for your good if you love and follow Him.

When he doest start writing a story, or writing you towards your destiny it will blow your mind. He wants to give us beyond what we ask or think. A big key to having that story written for you is WAITING for His timing. That means if you get impatient you better not try and make something happen, especially what YOU think should happen. Because you will get less than you really want. He is the "author and finisher" of our faith. Ultimately that will lead us to the "ending" of "they lived happily ever after" in heaven if you know Jesus but I also think it applies to our lives here and now. Let Him, Let Jesus write the faith journey of your life. When you are NOT in control you don't know what will happen. When the ultimate outcome is left in your saviors hands, you're not calling the shots. That is scary, that means there are alot of unknowns. The best atitude to take is "thy will be done." He knows best, so let Him do best. He WILL make "ALL things beautiful in its time." But the key is timing.

I think for us singles it's especially hard. May I venture to say more hard for women?... Which I could easily see the case that it's just as hard for guys, but in a different way. Us women want to be married and alot of us have waited for a LONG time. Some of us LONGER than we ever wanted to or expected.

I've wanted to get married since I was 17 years old!! That is 10 years, going on 11 years! I didn't expect to be the one in my family to get married older than most in my family. Ok my parents were 23 and 24 I think. My grandparents on both sides were younger than I am now. Both my brothers were younger than me when they got married.

I am tired of hearing "you're still young." Ok that is the truth... but I'm not as young as I expected to be and to be married. And too if you haven't been an "older single" you can't understand the pain, heartache, frustration, broken dreams... deferred dreams that we go through. I know people are trying to encourage us when they tell us that, "you're still young."

I've learned that it's really encouraging for older people, older women to come alongside us and tell us "this must be hard for you." And not try to put a band aid on it. To be allowed to hurt as we wait... and not be cuffed in the chin with the encouragement to "keep your chin" up is showing understanding that we don't always get from people. I've know I've had some encouragement along that lines and it meant alot to me. It was a balm to my heart, because I could feel her love. And my heart was safe to feel pain. Not questioned and encouraged to hide the feelings even deeper, almost as if you shouldn't be feeling this way. Which as a single I know many of you do feel this way.

I know God has timing. And for some reason He has kept me single and not married until the "ripe age" of 27. I don't know when the "fufillment of time" for me will be. God does!! (Well wine gets better with age, so I guess I must too.)

I am more at peace now with my singleness than I used to be. There are many guys that I cared for... and kinda tried to get to know....but I am thankful that God closed every one of those doors. He's got better for me.

I think to get into a relationship at this point would take more courage for me than to just say "no." I have been disappointed over and over again. There are lies in my head that tell me, "you're not good enough" "you're not pretty enough" "why would someone want me?" I think these lies or thoughts can be compounded into our minds sometimes if we are a bit older and single. "what's wrong with me, why hasn't anyone pursued me? Why have I been single soo long, or "why did it never work out"

When it does happen for some of us it will be more of a leap of faith than for others. I know for me it will. Since I've never been in a relationship I will have to trust God to lead that guy to pursue me. And trust that God will give me someone I can trust my heart with. That's scary to think about. That there is some man somewhere with whom I will be vulnerable with. Guys for us girls there's a fear of rejection too. A fear that what we feel and who we are deep inside isn't something you want to know. That we're too emotional, too soft, too sensitive that you won't know how to handle us. Especially initially as we get to know you. We do put walls up because we don't want to be hurt. (Ok this may not apply to all women, but I'm talkin' from my own heart hear.) There's a reason that God spoke of women as the weaker vessel. Part of it is that who we are inside... the vulnerable side of us is delicate.

I got a picture when I was with YWAM in NYC. Ok God is our father right. And he knows when "christmas" will come. "Christmas", you know when the time is right to bring that guy into our lives. But He won't give us christmas in July.... and He knows when it's coming... why are we worried and wringing our hands. Thinking "God's holding out on me!" When actually the time is just not right. It'd be weird to get a Christmas present on Easter right?! There is a time and a day and a season for everything that God has for us. Also I got the picture that He is excited about giving us this gift! He's got something special up his sleeve! "Every good and perfect gift comes down from the father of lights..." It may just be the planning, preparation time for God right now. He does work behind the scenes. He's setting things up... for the right time.

I've heard it all about Marriage isn't the ultimate goal... and you won't find complete fufillment in your spouse. I know and I understand all of that. Ultimately Jesus is the only one that can fill our deepest emotional needs.

But I also know what it's like to have a young women's heart. With all those longings and desires... desires that many of us keep locked way down inside. Throbing desires that we don't even want to look at because it hurts to much. The desire to marry and the desire to have children. God has wired us for marriage. God has wired us to be mothers. For most women I believe it is God's heart to have us married. I've heard it said if you don't desire marriage than you have the gift of celibacy.

Remember God does give us the desires of our hearts. I believe when we follow him He places in us desires for things he wants to fufill. But we can't hold them soo tightly and give God orders of how He will do it. Tell God what you want, but also hold loosely to "the list" that you expect your man to fufill. God has bigger and better plans for you than you can imagine. I've picked that up from some wiser older women in my life recently. If you hold sooo tightly to your own expectations you may miss or not see "THE BEST" God is wanting to give you.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

As a mentor of mine said "You can't mess it up when you're trusting God. And even if you do mess it up, He knows how to fix it."

Relax in the process and let the "author of your faith" write your life story. He knows what he is doing!

Orange Sherbet

I think this necklace is super neat! I found it the other day. It's soo funky and cool. It's a 46 inch chain of chunky white with orange sherbet tassels with gold chain.


You can wear it as a long necklace as a short necklace... wrapped around your wrist. However! I just posted it tonight to my etsy shop. I have a pic here that I didn't use in my etsy shop, so if you visit my blog you may see some "unseen" shots!!


Recently I found many more really neat vintage pieces. I just need to get around to photographing them and editing the pictures. There's this one grecian sea foam 70's gown... I don't know if I can part with it. It's just amazing... and it's totally VINTAGE!!!


Oh my word I found some amazing things. Even found a pair of "bug eye" sunglasses (BIG LENSES) with red rims...!!


Keep comin' back to the blog for new updates and go to my shop to see what I have for sale. I also posted a number of vintage blouses!! Great for that classy secretary/artsy look!


Update about my life. My car is road worthy and I will be leaving either at the end of this week for my LONNNGGG trip back to VA or I will leave sometime next week. I've had a bad cold and hope I'm not gettin' sick again... I've been gettin' over the cold, but than had a low grade fever tonight and havent' felt right.


I want to be feeling good when I drive 16 or so hours to the south!!


Soo come on by my shop and see what's new (ok VINTAGE ain't new, but you get the point) and if you're from the south, VA around let's do coffee or somethin'! It's will be hard to leave Michigan, even though it's gettin' cold and we've already had a touch of snow AND some hail I'll miss people here. It's about the people right!!?

50 sales before my 1 year anniversary!!

I have hit 52 sales and it's not even my one year anniversary on Etsy yet. I wanted to hit 50 sales by Oct. 5th. I broke the goal and am beyond it! God has really been blessing my sales at my etsy shop recently.


Thank you to all my customers and repeat customers!! It's been a blessing. I've told some people that right now this is one of the ways that I support myself.


I have been up in Michigan since May 20th as a mother's helper to the founders family of Christian Freedom International. They are in the process of adopting 8 Karen kids, while still having 2 of heir biological children at home. So they have had 10 children here at some point while I've been here. At the beginning of Sept. we took the 5 oldest karen kids to Bible School in NH.


Soon I will be goin' back to VA. I'll be movin' back in with my parents for awhile. Hopefully for not very very long... :) My thoughts of what I'll do next is maybe get my CNA license and look for work maybe. I could still use the sales on my etsy... especially as I transistion back into "regular" life where I'm not living as a "missionary" the same way.


I have just expanded my business to include vintage. I have 2 pairs of vintage shoes listed. Here are some pics of my finds! Enjoy....


Shabbat Shalom!!

"Maiden in waiting" and "Caribbean Blues"

So I have 2 new necklaces posted on etsy. Did that today. One is called "Maiden in waiting"... a lovely necklace repurposed from a funky old necklace I had. The old necklace had 3 strands of chain...one with silver and faux pearls and silver beads spaced out in the chain. And a funky chain tassle.


I took the chain with the faux pearls and silver beads and took the beads out and connected the beads together than added a flower attachment. I made the flower from cloth flowers, a rhinestone center glued to a button. The button has beading wire looped on both sides to connect to the chain. The pearls and silver beads are in the center of the necklace than the flower is off to the side. Very lovely and pretty...if I do say so myself!!


The 2nd necklace is made from beads with some colors I love. I called it "caribbean blues". The focal point is 2 strands of chunky green than chunky turquoise glass beads hung between chain.
Very pretty and bold.


This necklace has already had 30 views today. I posted it in the evening after dinner.


I hope to sell one of the necklaces before too long!:)

been Etsing all day long!!

You can see I've been busy!! I made 3 new shirts today (one I plan on keeping), another one was a reserved listing... a special order... and the third was the blue shirt you see here with all the dragonflies!


Pictures
1. and 2. the reserved listing
3. Pretty in Pink
4. Red Love (women's tunic jersey shirt)
5. The Messenger (man's black shirt)
6. I Believe (in gray)
7. Dragonfly sky


Some of the other shirts I had made but had never photographed or had photographed. I took pics of my shirts being modeled... I modeled shirts... than I uploaded the shirts and did editing... and I also washed alot of the shirts. After they're made they MUST be washed... the bleaching process smells strong on the shirts.


Right now Etsy is one of the ways I support myself financially. I am in Michigan volunteering with the family that started Christian Freedom International. The husband and wife are adopting 8 Karen kids. So I live with the rather LARGE family and help the mom out. Like today I did dinner, delegated some cleaning/dishes, worked on laundry and drove with one of the girls as she practiced driving with her permit!!


www.mariesmiracles.etsy.com

I've hit 40! (sales that is on ETSY!!)

Today I opened up my etsy account and I saw that I that I had to leave feedback for 2 items...which meant that I had 2 new sales!!!

From a good friend Sarah from my DTS with YWAM. She bought #39 and #40 of my sales in my etsy shop.

I thought it was kinda fitting to be at 40 sales on Sept. 1st! The beginning of a month at 40!!!

I'll have been on Etsy for one year on October 5th... Soo almost a year. I hope to hit 50 sales by my one year anniversary on Etsy. I have one month and a bit to do that.

(sometime I'll try to post a picture of one of the items she bought.)

Yeah for God blessing me in my etsy sales. I'm doing good with Etsy!! (Someday I'll hit 100 sales if I keep my shop open;) )

Thanks to everyone that has supported me in my shop!!

I've hit 50!!!! (listings on Etsy!)

Wow! I've been on a roll tonight listing hair flowers in my Etsy shop. I've finally hit a total of 50 listings (aka items) in my Etsy shop. I've sold a total of 38 items so far since October of 2008. I've done ok.




My hair pins seem to sell quit well. Also my t shirts sell well too.


The hair pins are "flowers for your hair." They come in different sizes and are named after women I know.




So far I've named a flower:


Tara-(a good friend)
Patricia-(my mom)
Krista-(my only sister)
Lexi-(my sis in law)
Blanche-(my grammie)
Nancy-(one of my aunts)
Katie-(I know a number of Katies)
Sarah-(a good friend from my DTS with YWAM)
and Jodi-(a good friend from my home church)

Sooo go check out my flowers...you can special order if you want... and keep comin' back for more... and I keep popping up new items. I love variety~!!!

"Dreamer" I finally painted!

While home on a bit of vacation from my time in Sault Ste. Marie Michigan I finally did the painting thing.

I dunno but for me as an artist, more so with drawing and painting it's a bit of an emotional leap to start a piece of art. Not sure why :) any ideas?

Anyways there's this wonderful picture my sister took of herself with her boyfriend (now an x) where she looks awesome. It has these wonderful contrasts. Very dark values and very light values.

Soo one morning I did my computar stuff than in my unwashed state and still in my pj's I set up my painting stuff in my sisters bedroom (she has a sort of easel) and I started painting.

I first painted the background black with blue mixed in. Than I traced the shape of her face with white paint and went from there.

Some tricky areas were her eyes especially. When an eye is hardly seen (her right eye) it's hard to know how to do it. And I had trouble with the nose. I also had to go in and adjust the lips. When they were "First done" they looked to tensed up.

I haven't painted in acrylic for years... my last big painting project was the set for our churches christmas project.

I had fun on this...there were times when I was a bit on edge cus there were elements that I had to work at...had to mold and even redo or adjust.

I really like how this painting came out.

"Dreamer"

it's also listed in my etsy store:
www.mariesmiracles.etsy.com

My etsy

Check out my new little shop on etsy! I'm excited about this. A friend of mine suggested I post my art/jewelery on this site. I didn't know about it before. At this point I will be posting new items regularly.... so check it out!

Etsy Buy Handmade mariesmiracles

Relationship not Religion

I struggle to understand God's love for me in the depths of my heart.... It is a truth I know in my head but not one that I walk in as fully as I know I could and as I want. What is blocking my heart from knowing this? Is it my inability to let myself go, to fall off the cliff of self dependance and fall into the arms of love... to be surrendered... to let go and be carried by Jesus and only Jesus. I want that so. I want to be free Jesus... set me free.
I need God to reveal his heart of love for me.... Jesus has a heart of flaming love for his children. He loved me soo much that He listened to His father and died a death of great agony and shame so that I could live with Him for eternity. It is a truth I have heard so long... it is like lukewarm water running through my fingers.

I don't know much what it is to live in stark darkness.... to not feel any warmth of love or affection... to have that deep echoing emptiness inside. I was brought up in a christian family... Jesus came into my heart at a young age. I have desired to have a testimony of being saved at an older age out of great sin and suffering, so that the reality of His love for me would be more real and more tangible... but I haven't. But in turn God has given me this life, which I am thankful for...

Mine is a testimony of being born into God's family at a young age. Of being spared the wounds and wounding of living outside of “the camp.” So in turn it is a lifestyle that I am used too... a life that I cannot contrast in my own experiences to one of empty darkness.

But because of my humanity I too experience levels of abandonment, aloneness and darkness. I am still flesh, I still struggle and thirst after a touch of God's unconditional love for me. The reality of knowing God. You see I have been brought up with good morals.... but the face of God for me is layered over with distorting glazes of religiousness and self righteousness.

I do not fully understand my own inability to reach God... I do not understand His love for me and His grace that saves me from myself from a life lived in self righteousness, an actually state of cripplement.

Religion and self rightousness... fill my mind with condemnation... I become my own holy spirit.... I must live up to a code of conduct deemed appropriate by myself and others that have gone before me. It becomes the face of God which I see... a god who I pull away from in fear... and anger.

What is the foundation of this path that I have chosen to walk? I know I could make a good pharisee...I am a perfectionist after all. These weights of religion hold me down... I stare into the face of law.... it cannot be satisified.

I want to fly on the wings of love and gaze into my redeemers face of grace.... that is given to me... this grace is not earned it is a gift.

I need you God to reveal your heart, your redemption... my place in this... my own vast need... of Jesus dying on the cross for me. Part of me wants to fall away... so you can gather me into your arms in pure love without these voices from my past saying “you must be perfect.” I want a relationship with you, not with religion. May I with Paul, be able to count it all as lost to know only you Jesus.

A New Kind of Friends List

This is a little excercise... one my dad just put me through. I was whining about my friend situation. I was having an ablosute pity party with confetti and snacks...I don't always feel like people pursue me the way I pursue them. I do understand people are busy... and people get married, and too life just happens. But it's not alway easy living way out in the country and I've moved away from areas where alot of my friends have lived/or they've moved.

So my dad took a piece of computar paper and had me start listing people that are my friends, he wrote them down than I started adding more and ended up typing it up. I didn't list everyone I knew... I didn't list everyone that I've been "friends" with ... I listed people that matter to me, that for some reason have stuck in my heart. I understand people change, life changes... heck even I change!

I have people that are listed from when I was growing up in Maine... even friends mothers... people alot older than me. I have friends from NH, when I was in Bible School all the way to people I met in Thailand...

People that I'd be alot closer with if they just lived closer... I had a friend once say that we don't like goodbyes because we're made for eternity. That is very true.

So I'd say this is a way to remember to be thankful for the people in your life... the ones that you hardly ever see and the ones you may see every week... include family...heck I'm friends with people in my family.

So far I have 50 friends listed. Well I just added a few more so now I have 53. I think it's a great exercise in remembering what God has blessed us with. Even look back and remember how you have influenced people and how people influenced you.

One big way that God blesses us and touches us is through the companion ship, the love the sharing that happens in friendships.

So if you've been feeling lonely lately or like doesn't anyone like me write a new kind of friends list. It's good to see it on paper.

Come on, start your list.

Swirling Leaves

Here's a poem I wrote on Feb. 6th 2007. It was because of dealing with some big things in other people's lives.

Even if you believe in Jesus sometimes sin (which works death in us) can wreck havoc. So we haveta leave it behind. We live in this corruptible, diseased flesh...can it be redeemed...to an extent...one day we'll all got to heaven (if you truly believe in Jesus as your Lord and savior...if you don't know what I mean ask me:) and every tear will be wiped away.

Sit back and relax, let the "word pictures" wash over you...

This life is a swirling mess of confusion-like leaves disturbed by an Autumn gale. Cold and biting fingers tear at our minds, our arms, pinning us to the ground.

We look around us and see the death, the gravestones citing what is dead-relationships going gangrene, destinies dismembered, hopes and dreams- empty shells like corpes lying in coffins-never to move and live and change the world.

The world is a horrible place. The darkness desires to cover us to indwell us...fingers tear and probe, pushing the pain deeper into our hearts, whispering that we are worthless...screaming "There is no hope."...."you are not seen..." "no one ever loved you..."

We start a journey...a pilgramage, a seeking for...We don't know what. Phantoms dance before our eyes...prostituting our broken bleeding hearts, making love, than crashing the door behind us as we lay in our blood, writhing in anguish as another part of us is torn, slashed, crushed and left to rot. It laughs in our face, cackles, it's eyes glinting with victory as we are conquered.

The leaves swirl even faster, the pounding heart aching at every beat, mocks and taunts us with being alive. Our flesh is alive but we know we are dead...it's unreal we don't recognize ourself-we look at our dead lifeless body and don't comprehend, we are numb.

The leaves fill our senses muffling every sound-all we hear is the screeching and churning of death, or brokeness, of debauchary.

So we close our eyes...we have no one to save us...so we close our eyes and let the leaves cover us. Floating down, brown deadness covers.

Autumn comes, the cold comes. Winter comes. Everything is dead, is cold and naked. We think death will bring peace-if we only cut our heart out and leave it in the snow, will the pain go away...in it's place is numbness...but the pain is always there-like a cancer it has entered every part of our life.

The swirling snow bites and cuts our face-as we wtach our heart- the blood seeping into the snow. Once it stops we think we'll be free...as it stops we only feel an emptyness, a dead weight-a chill that fills every part of us...but at least we don't feel the searing pain...

we are now dead man walking....

But, I know that spring comes. I know that Jesus' heart can fill the empty hearted...I know lives can be changed and will be healed by Jesus. There will be the sunrise. There is hope.

Jesus walked through the swirling leaves- he was buried by them too and died , but when the spring came he lived and is now alive.

Take it-let his heart fill the hole in your chest. Leave your broken heart behind...it was diseased anyways...

Let God's love fill you- cover you like warm oil- soothing and healing the wounds. Let the darkness become his Sunshine. I don't even understand it- I don't fully comprehend it-but it's true.

Life is possible after death and disease. Just let the corpse-your dead body lie under the leaves- let Jesus lift you up in Newness of life...don't look back at the lifelessness that was yours-it's buried under the leaves and under the snow. Spring has come. You are beloved-He is your beloved-you are a New creature-loved and wanted as a baby is when first born. Pink and fresh, no scars-perfect in His eyes. You are desirable...

Never look back-don't let the death fill your vision-remember NOW you are alive.

You can truly dance-
You can truly sing
You can truly love.

Because you don't have to trust your past.
Your life is Christ's now and His is yours.

You are FREE! Spring has come.